My health journey

I am blessed to be living in a highly sensitive body which allows me to sense things others might not be aware of. On the flipside it also means my senses are easily overstimulated if I don’t protect or look after myself.

I am immediately reminded when I make poor choices.

In the early years of my life, I had very poor nutrition, didn’t work out and had bad sleeping patterns. I fed of bad movies and TV shows and barely read a thing.

I basically didn’t do anything to nourish my body, mind or soul.

The result was a (very) painful gut issue, an unhealthy relationship with food (me and food didn’t relate at all), bad irritated skin, and what I was most afraid of: ridiculous mood swings (PMS and beyond) which destroyed many relationships and had the biggest impact on the one with myself.

Until I finally took responsibility for my health and well-being and started educating myself.

I went to university to study nutrition and read everything labelled as healthy that I could get my hands on (it’s a lot of information out there let me tell you).

In addition to the training of mind and body, I did high intensity workouts on a daily basis.

I ate (very) strictly clean and in regular Intervals, my whole body changed rapidly and I became obsessed with improving my “health”.

But I took the whole self-work too far, meaning I was not working on being healthy anymore, instead I was working on being perfect.

That had created extreme tension within myself and drained my energy to a point of a full stop. I was after something that doesn’t exist and I wasn’t aware of it.

As my body and mind were highly overstimulated by all the information (transformation/obsession), I didn’t know at all how to eat or be anymore.

I was completely lost.

I was smoking marijuana almost every day, only so I could get a break from the prison (meaning no pleasure aloud) I had created.

Whenever the relaxation kicked in, I binge ate to a point of feeling sick and ashamed (which felt better than my own control).

An injury forced me to stop working out which was really the straw that broke the camel’s back.

The collapse of my “healthy” life that I had worked so hard for and that I had desperately wanted to maintain, triggered the greatest longing I’ve ever felt.

More than ever before I just wanted to be safe and strong again. As my body couldn’t provide any longer what I was in need of, there was absolutely nothing to hold onto.

Lying in bed, feeling depressed and in no condition to do anything. I was puzzled. How could that happen to me? When did I loose control?

After all, I knew so much didn’t I?

Not knowing that the problem wasn’t me or my lack of discpline.

The core of my unhappiness was a part of me I had totally neglected – my inner child, the realm of feelings, fun and creativity.

But before I could really embrace all of my past and feelings more time passed.

After some time of trying to recover mentally and physically with conventional methods, I found myself intuitively guided to the spiritual realm of my being.

I never believed myself to be spiritual nor did I ever come in contact with it before. I actually judged it as hocus pocus and weird.

I started yoga and meditation and began to be interested in teachings of several enlightened masters.

I felt so calm listening to their perception on life and I found comfort in the tone of their voice. They seemed to be content with being unsure. They were happy no matter what. What was their secret?

And with that I had found a new quest.

Again I wasn’t saved from my old controlling mind as I was still working on being perfect. This time spiritually.

At first this had worsened my conditions, not only were ups and downs still present but strained me more than ever before.

Meditation opens you up so much and provides so much energy, it was hard for me to handle, as I went into it without instruction. So again, I found myself at a point of a near breakdown.

I stopped just in time.

Slowly, but consistently after cutting down work hours and reducing meditation, yoga and social events, I started to balance my life again.

What my friends tried to tell me all along, I had to fully realise by living it: too much of anything is not good for anyone (that includes things that are supposed to be good for you).

After this accessed energy had settled, it all started to make sense to me. Not in a way of “oh, yeah, I get it”

More like: “OHH MYY GOD. How could I possibly miss this?”

I realised that I was measuring my sense of self-worth by the degree of discipline I managed to hold (perfection meant perfect worth) when in fact, I am worthy now without having to do or prove the tiniest thing.

I had to go through all this intense pain, into the extremes and impermanence of my health state only to discover that I am more than my body and mind.

I was the Safety I was longing for and I had to realise that no self-improvement nor body-image can be in any way sustainable (let alone enjoyable) without sincerely loving and accepting myself – just the way I am.

This meant embracing my inner child.

When I began to really see and love my inner child, nothing else mattered (relatively spoken, of course). I embraced emotion again and gave them top priority.

I stopped trying to know, stopped trying be right which is key to self-love.

Every (health) rule I follow now, is approved by me, born out of the intention to do best for my body, mind and soul.

I am considering the effects on every area of my Being as well as the effects on others and the world. This kind of responsibility is true pleasure for me.

Trusting in my abilities as my own health coach and respecting my body are the keys to the intuitive nutrition I choose today.

Since I have sincerely started listening to my body AND integrated emotions, healthy food choices began to come naturally ( as you know now it did not happen overnight).

Here’s my simple but meaningful take away:

If you want to self-improve don’t forget to love yourself more.

Actually, start with that intention only and everything else will fall into place.

This journey isn’t always easy or likeable as you’ll discover the depth of your hidden fears (which you often want to compensate with food and more control). Yet, I can reassure you, that going inward for answers is the only adventure that satisfies your appetite and it’s so worth it because YOU my dear, are so worth it.

Health is never complete when happiness and pleasure are absent, so it is important to remember you deserve to feel loved and blessed and cherished and most of all happy all the time. No matter your habits, shape or level of discipline.

I no longer follow rules of punishment whenever I slip. No one should because, well, it doesn’t work! It never will.

Let’s break the restriction cycles! All of them!

We are abundant beings we need no restriction. We need pleasure!

Now that we know what it takes to be healthy, let us take responsibility and set the intention now to be as healthy as never before. Let’s have the courage to do our best and the grace to accept that our best will differ from day to day (yes, bad days are totally fine).

But above all let us choose LOVE first!

Thank you for taking the time.

Love,

Jen