How to not date the wrong person - again?
Dating is such a mystery. There is so much desire, so much advice, so much nervousness, so much thought, so much time spent wondering and yet…
…no one seems to know what the f*** they’re doing.
In fact most of us feel powerless when it comes to dating as we keep falling for the “wrong” people – nothing we can do about it, right?
If we are truly honest though, we know who’s good for us and who’s not.
The question is not “how do we stop attracting the wrong kind”?
The question is “can we become attracted to those who are good for us?” And “what does that kind of attraction feel like?” “What does it require us to do or be?”
We ignore the red flags AND choose to give into the attraction to unavailable people because of one big factor.
This factor keeps us hooked, hurt and trapped in a fantasy dating world.
Which is it?
HOPE.
Or better put: the habit of hoping.
We’re so lost in potential.
We hope for everything and everyone to change not looking at what and how things actually are.
Our hope is fed by every little shred of attention or love substitute they give us.
We are so blinded by hope that we don’t see they do exactly what the ex did (you know, the one that hurt you, ignored you and let you into their heart only on occasion)
We hope they change and when they don’t we hope we change.
We hope, hope, hope, and hope some more.
Hope breaks our neck.
Here is the deal:
If they show behaviour that requires you to hope – hope they like you, hope they are interested (soon), hope they want to spend time with you (soon), hope they accept you as you are (even when you don’t show who you are) – you are most likely choosing not to see the red flags they hand you on a silver platter: the flag that show that they aren’t doing any of those things – NOW.
To be able to date succesfully you must look at the flag above their head and actually choose to act on what you see.
You must be more interested in the reality of things than in the hoping for things. You must give up fantasy.
How the heck do I?
Choose to withstand the immediate attraction. The one that tells you that you are soulmates. You aren’t soulmates.
Observe yourself in it and feel into it and see the fantasy that is pulling you in.
It’s not love nor soul mating. It’s hope that breaks your neck.
Withstanding immediate attraction is inner work and an active part in learning to truly love and be loved. It builds strength so you can learn to receive what you really want and deserve.
In itself it’s nothing wrong with strong attraction (it will probably be with you your whole life), the deal is to be aware of it without acting on it.
To close this let me bust all leftover bubbles: Giving into attraction without awareness will not satisfy you because it is not what you really want.
I know some aren’t ready to give this “soulmate” attraction up because it seems to make us feel alive and alert to life. That’s ok.
It’s part of the process to be lost in it sometimes. It’s also part of the process to come out the other side and choose reality over fantasy.
Be preapared to choose the type that is actually showing interest, is actually spending time with you, is actually telling you how much they like you – the type that is actually saying “yes” to you.
The fact you read this far, shows that you no longer want to hope for love but are ready to create it.
Cheers to that!
Understanding that love is a skill, is active, a result of great learning and not something we fall into is the biggest realisation on your way to creating the relationship you really want.
Understanding that love requires no hope but learning is the key to reality living.
Who would you really want to be with if you were able to withstand attraction that leads you nowhere?
Who would you date without hope?