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The story that shaped my mission

What's the story that shaped my mission?

Your story shapes your purpose which shapes your mission.

 

And there’s not story without life experience.

 

Often we find our mission after experiencing the heaviest of emotions.

So it’s important to feel them, heal them and integrate them.

Here’s my mission: I help women get out of the prison of the mind into the poetry of the Body.

 

And her own beautiful body will take over guidance from there.

 

So what’s my story? The story that shaped this mission? 

 

I was brought up under the critical voice of my mother.

 

She had a good heart but no life of her own and her frustration and fear of life reflected in my upbringing. 

 

She had dreams and desires but rarely expressed them to anyone (mostly because she wasn’t aware of them). Once in a while they shimmered through a brief conversation only to be brushed of with „oh I won’t do that anyway, I am not made for more.“ . She was living according to what she’s been told (or not told) and she didn’t leave that narrative.

 

She was living in the prison of her mind.

 

Her body stored the trauma and limits she experienced from her parents. 

 

Living all her life in the same perspective:

 

„I can’t be more than this. I am not safe.“

 

Like a protective shield this narrative kept her in her head.

 

Far away from the trauma and pain stored in her body.

 

I, too, spent the first part of my life in prison because that’s what I’ve been modeled.

 

What woke me up then?

 

There were many things I could name here but the most important was my mother’s death.

 

I was with her at her deathbed, seeing her leave this earth with none of her dreams realized. 

 

She was unhappy, afraid, bitter and unable to open up to us (family) or life even in the last moments of her life.

 

She was still in prison when she left.

 

It was one of the most painful moments of my life.

 

At no other moment was it clearer, seeing death (life) take her back to origin:

 

I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE LIKE SHE DID.

This realisation was my key out of prison.

 

And from then on forth, I changed my story.

 

I told myself I will live a life that’s actually mine and show myself – and my mom as well – that it is POSSIBLE to make dreams reality – no matter who we thought we were.

 

And the only way to leave the narrative that kept me in prison was to enter my body.

 

To really root down into my body.

 

This might sound strange. But we don’t notice that we left the body until we come back to it.

 

My challenge after I realised this was NOT to leave my body again.

I did at first at ANY sign of difficulty.

 

Now, that’s normal when the body holds so much unresolved trauma + habits need time to change.

 

This means you leave your body over and over again because difficult feelings, internal chaos and shame make it unbearable to stay.

 

Deep healing was required and a strong willingness to stay connected to myself no matter what I was facing.

 

It is possible to build this unshakable allegiance to yourself and to your body but it doesn’t mean it’s easy.

 

I know for a fact that it is possible.

 

So I help women come home.

 

I help them to love their bodies and know how to read its infinite wisdom.

 

I want all women to give and receive the love that has been theirs all along

 

So she can live according to her own rhythm without restriction – and in that find the freedom she seeks to take her life to the “next level” (whatever that means for her).

Not from a place of hardship but –

 

from COMPLETE SELF-ACCEPTANCE!

 

If you want to find out how I do that AND want to build this unshakable allegiance to yourself, schedule your free sample session on my website. 

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Emotional flashbacks and Co-dependency – how trauma shows up in your life

Emotional flashbacks and Co-dependency - how trauma shows up in your life

When I was a teenager I often wondered why it was so easy for most people to stand up to bosses, partners, strangers and friends. They were able to say “No” without going into endless spirals of fear-stories in their head like I did.

I observed them having “their own back” and I wondered why I was so different from them.

Why did I keep falling for people and circumstances that would exploit me?

Why couldn’d I stand up to them no matter how much I wanted to?

Why did I keep abandoning myself?

Today I know:

I was under the influence of unconscious and unresolved trauma in the form of CPTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder).

No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t change this because will-power doesn’t touch the realm of trauma.

I was suffering from emotional flashbacks (I’ll explain in a minute) and I responded with co-dependency (people pleasing, manipulating etc.).

I had no control over this behaviour because I didn’t know about CPTSD or the consequences of trauma in any way.

I’ve never even heard of it before.

Trauma meant, so I thought, something far worse than having a critical mother and an absent father.

I believed that trauma is caused by a single event (which can be true).

But trauma can also be many “small”, painful but still overwhelming events chipping away at your sense of self and safety.

As a recovering co-dependent I owe much of my progress to Pete Walker, author of the Book “Complex PTSD”.

In it he writes: “emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions (‘amygdala hijackings’) to the frightening circumstances of childhood. They are typically experienced as intense and confusing episodes of fear and/or despair – or as sorrowful and/or enraged reactions to this fear and despair.”

He continues: “Because most emotional flashbacks do not have a visual or memory component to them, the triggered individual rarely realizes that she is re-experiencing a traumatic time from childhood.”

This was extremely eye-opening!

“The individual rarely realises that she is re-experiencing a traumatic time from childhood.”

How is that even possible?

Does this relate to the metaphor or the fish in the water? A fish swam by two other fish and asks: “how’s the water?” to which the two fish respond: “what water?”

The reality of it is, we don’t always have conscious access to the memories formed in childhood and at some level that’s a good thing.

It’s protecting us.

But it is also true that even though we’re not aware of these memories, our body stores them which means we re-expereince them countless times.

They become the water we swim in.

The anxiety, the depression, the fear and panic, the shame, the loneliness and the feeling of inadequacy, basically all the darkness that periodically returns to seemingly take us down – THEY ARE ALL EMOTIONAL FLASHBACKS.

In an emotional flashback “darker” states suddenly take over our whole perception of people and the world, isolating us and causing us to behave in ways we don’t want to.

Like not standing up tp people when we need to…

…and responding to events with expressions of co-dependency.

What is co-dependency?

“Co-dependency is defined here as the inability to express rights, needs and boundaries in relationship; it is a disorder of assertiveness that causes the individual to attract and accept exploitation, abuse and/or neglect.” (Pete Walker)

How exactly does co-dependency relate to emotional flashbacks?

We learned to respond to emotional flashbacks (danger) in different ways in our formative years.

Pete Walker describes 4 types that are described as the 4F’s in CPTSD:

Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn.

Even though we find ourselves responding in all of these ways when experiencing an emotional flashback, we can often identify one dominant response.

This response drives most of our behaviour when confronted with an emotional flashback.

I think it’s important to understand that not much conscious choice is involved in this. It’s default, unconscious and that’s where our inner work, therapy and other healing methods come in.

As I described earlier, I fall in the fawn category – co-dependency.

How does co-dependency form?

In formative years (between 18 mo. – 3 yrs.) children naturally develope protective assertiveness, characterised by the child’s urge to say “no” to everything they are told to do.

This natural opposition to caregivers is encouraging our healthy development IF it is met with acceptance and strengthened through compassionate communication with our caregivers.

In dysfunctional families however, instead of encouragement, we get shut down whenever we express anything but conformation.

We’re send to our room with messages like: “Don’t you dare say “no” to ME, don’t you dare oppose me, don’t you dare cry or get angry or else I’ll be so mad with you that I WILL leave you.”

When I was going through this stage of my development, I remember that I, too, was met with abandonment and rage from my mother.

I think she was afraid of my or any opposition for that matter (which isn’t an excuse but important to mention. She had her own unresolved issues).

In order to hold the bond with my mother and escape punishment, I had to abandon myself, my feelings and my natural assertiveness.

I had to say “yes” when I meant “no” AND act like I MEANT it.

No matter my state or opinion, I had to show unconditional positive regard towards my mother in order to please her (and not trigger her fear and rage).

In a functional familiy caretakers meet their children with space for healthy development. A space in which emotions like healthy anger are welcomed as a good sign of human expression.

Now, I know that this information might be very disturbing for many people because most people haven’t confronted their abuse in childhood – yet.

I mean, how dare we blame our parents, right?

But we have to.

Because denial of parental mistakes keeps us stuck in these emotional flashbacks.

It keeps us away from being able to grieve what we’ve never experienced as children (unconditional love) and claim more for ourselves in the future.

I know, it’s easy to deny your past, especially when the abuse wasn’t physical.

Emotional abuse is often swept under the rug because most of its methods are, sadly, still considered normal.

Only now are we beginning to call abuse by its name.

Not many years ago it was considered a necessary form of educating children to yell at them, criticise them and use silence treatment to shame their behaviour.

Children will make everything about them. They will think that something’s inherently wrong with them when parents punish them in such way: “Why is mommy mad with me? I must be so bad that she doesn’t want me, I am not welcome here.”.

They grow up with beliefs like these and KEEP them until they start realising that their beliefs stems from ill treatment in childhood and are NOT AT ALL TRUE!

In order to heal co-dependency and our emotional flashbacks, we must go inward and re-lease the pain our parents have caused.

I know, not at all an easy task.

But if we don’t do this, we will carry the same pain into relationships, jobs and self-regard which means that we’ll never feel safe with anyone or anywhere. Even unconsciously inflicting pain on to others.

We need to get informed about trauma or we continue to deal with serious consequences like illness, violence, enabling, suicide, depression etc. passing all of it on to our children.

We must come to terms with the pain of our past.

We need to be brave enough to admit that our childhood wasn’t perfect and our parents are not almighty gods but wrong about a lot of things, including their way of raising a child.

Refusing to see the wrong-doings of our parents isn’t virtuous and it will increase the shame in our body.

Ending transgenerational trauma starts with educating oneself, ADMITTING that somethings WAS wrong.

We must stop comparing ourselves to other families who were “worse” than our own.

If we continue comparing our pain and unmet needs to others we won’t get the chance to heal the pain we carry inside our own bodies.

I know that goes against everything we’ve learned.

Blaming our parents for the things we didn’t get?

“Forgive your parents, they did their best.” “Don’t carry hatred in your heart, it will keep you stuck.” “They carried you and fed you, you should be grateful” etc.

These statements are in service of the shame based world we live in.

It’s brave to grieve the things we never got to experience in childhood.

For me it is not optional to grieve these losses.

Grieving means I can move on with my life, unashamed of being myself.

Shedding all fantasies of my parents eventually loving me in a way I need and deserve it.

Pete Walker says: “Psychoeducation is therefore a fundamental first step in the process of helping clients understand and manage their flashbacks. Most of my clients experience noticeable relief when I explain PTSD to them. The diagnosis seems to reverberate deeply with their intuitive understanding of their suffering. When they understand that their sense of overwhelm initially arose as an instinctual response to truly traumatic circumstances, they begin to shed the awful belief that they are crazy, hopelessly oversensitive, and/or incurably defective.”

In short: these flashbacks feel like unmanageable feelings, completely overwhelming, yet, oddly familiar and they can be cured by understanding exactly what they are and where their origin lies: in the trauma of your childhood.

Walker says: “Flashback management therefore needs to be taught in the context of a safe relationship”

I’d say that means with a therapist or an enlightened, non-judgemental witness.

Knowing about all of this, of course, doesn’t simply “make” it go away. There is great inner work involved in order to heal co-dependency.

I know from experience that co-dependency is much like an addiction.

The most defining factor when it comes to addiction is that we have no control over it.

This is precisely why I am so passionate about educating in this particular matter.

Education and Inner work is the only combination that frees us from this style of relating (that many are proud of for whatever reason).

I owe a new life to Pete Walker and the few people in my life who were generous with their unconditional positive regard towards me.

I had to grieve a lot of my losses and I’m continuing to do so.

I’d say I’m carrying a much lighter load today.

The darkness doesn’t take me down anymore. I can hold my head above waters because I know these waters better than ever before.

I don’t lose myself in the shame-based identity and can admit to mistakes like a healthy human does.

I want everyone to have the chance to know about this so they can get to the root of things as well.

Yes, I am talking to you.

I want you to be free and able to move on with your life when you choose to.

The thing is, if you don’t heal trauma you CANNOT move on.

Not wholeheartedly at least.

I want for you to say “NO” with conviction.

I want you to BE and LOVE yourself unconditionally.

I want you to love and live safely.

I want you to feel incredible in your own skin.

I want you to follow your heart and purpose.

I want you to be successful with who you truly are.

It’s not easy, I know. I glad you’re here and I acknowledge you for reading this far.

We’re in this together.

If you want support in your recovery process contact me here or get the details to my 1:1 coaching package here.

Otherwise good luck and much love to you, beautiful,

Jen

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Ecstasy – why we deny our right to be joyous

Ecstasy - why we deny our right to be joyous.

Ecstasy from the root ex tasis – to stand outside oneself. We all thrive for it. Mostly unconsciously and – unfortunately – from the wrong angle.

Joyous reality is banned from our conscious mind and our “normal” human experience.

We’re more familiar with its substitutes: addiction (in all forms), violence, rage and terror.

But why are we so afraid of the real thing? Much more even than war and terror?

Because the way we translate an experience of ecstasy would be

LOSS OF CONTROL.

We know in order to experience the pure joy of ecstasy we must be “out of our minds” and that is a sign of weakness in this world, isn’t it?

Let’s understand though: Ecstasy is the energy of an archetype we’re all hosting within us.

We’re all designed and meant to experience pure joy.

According to C.G. Jung all archetypes must express themselves through us at some point. Either freely through joy and ecstasy or through neurosis and addiction.

The questions are then how much are we conscious of this archetype and how much are we allowing to come through?

Why are we denying our need for ecstasy with all our might?

  1. In order for us to allow ecstasy we must hold a strong charge in our body. We actually have to surrender to the energy called joy that’s passing through our bodies.  Surrender is the key word here. In a society that values logic, calculations and science more than the primal and spiritual sides of our being, surrender is a dangerous act and irrational to the core and so is joy.
  2. We haven’t learned to integrate the female- into the male aspects of our psyche. And the prerequisite for ecstasy is the union of both aspects – we must transcend the opposites within ourselves. We’re living the patriarchal forms of humanity as if it’s the only reality there is, we are denying the world of symbols and rituals – the world of the feminine – which is the world through which we reach the irrational nature of joy. The key is not to favour one side over the other but to value both realities equally so they can supplement each other.
  3. To be able to accept ecstasy as an integral part of our life, we must be willing to see beyond ourselves, beyond our limited mind into our soul. We must understand that we’re a small part of a greater reality that we know very little about. If we can accept this we move past our ego mind into a greater mind which is the source of all human archetypes. In this greater mind found beyond our current meassure of reality, do we experience these archetypes in the way we are supposed to. In this greater mind we are able to hold more energy than in the limits of the ego mind. In a society in which individuals compete and thrive to be the best, the idea of being a small part of a greater whole is frightening and preposterous. You can stay limited like this your whole life but you will not experience joy like that.
  4. We’re afraid that we get lost in the archetype of ecstasy and live too much of its energy. We are afraid to become mad. The thing is though: We as human beings we are meant to live more than one dimension and more than one aspect of our being. We aren’t as simple as we somehow see ourselves and yet easier to understand than our minds have us believe. This is the paradox of being human. In order for us to live all our potential we have to be open to getting lost in the energy of joy and ecstasy trusting that we will come out of it more alive and recharged. We must trust that we will live in a way the universe has intended for us.

How do we compensate the denial of joy?

We pretend that we’re in no need of such ecstasy and if we cannot bear the torture of a dry and logical life any longer we go around at night hiding from “daily-life-people” while being “out of our minds” drunk.

Or on a higher scale, we burry the need for ecstasy even deeper into the unconscious and, as a consequence, become addicted to a certain kind of substance, emotion, habit, person. We attract all kinds of drama, accidents, relationships that fulfill the requirements of very strong arousal without ever satisfying our souls need for the original type of ecstasy – our souls need for pur joy.

Or we become restless. We cannot arrive anywhere with anyone because we keep seeking unconsciously the inner ecstasy that wants to express itself through us. We seek it through the excitement of the unknown and the new.

Can we become addicted to living an ecstatic life?

I sure hope so.

If we do see ecstasy through our right (whole) mind there is nothing wrong with expressing and allowing it. In fact, I am even writing this article with the wish for it being a reality for us all.

When we’re addicted to pure ecstasy we are addicted to experiencing ourselves – addicted to being fully alive.

We’re willing to be close to ourselves and accepting more of our being. We’re integrating the female aspects of being. In other words we’re bringing together what belongs together. When we’re allowing ourselves to be joyful and ecstatic we ARE the embodiment of union and wholeness.

How do we start integrating ecstasy into our lives again? What are the steps to live our full potential?

Remember it’s a way to bring back the spiritual into the physical and to unify the female with the masculine.

Not just logically but with your whole body. THIS WILL TAKE PRACTICE, CONSISTENCY AND THE WILLINGNESS TO BE ALIVE.

Before we start this is the ground rule:

The only way you can ever experience ecstasy is when you open your mind to a new possibility of living.

Are you willing to transcend the survival mode and expand into a life that thrives?

  1. Prepare the vessel.

Even though ecstasy is beyond the body you can only experience it through the body. Make sure you prepare the vessel to be strong and flexible to hold new energy currents. You do so by 1. Nutrition and 2. Movement like yoga or dance which can become fully ecstatic in itself.

  1. Become mindful

Of what you are doing and consuming. Do not distract yourself with too much of external stimulation and consumption. Learn about the amount and things you really need. This is slowing down and becoming fully present to the moment in which you’re in.

  1. Meditate

This is how we expand the capacity to hold more energy and discern between your original energy and the energy of your past.

  1. Using rituals

Of letting go and amplifying more of what you want. Be consistent in doing so, it’s the only way that the habit of letting go can sink into the unconscious and become a habit of mind in your daily life, outside of rituals.

  1. Mental health

Train your mind to be your servant. The number one obstacle to experience ecstasy is your mind and its limits. If your mind is open to pleasure and joy you will experience ecstasy naturally. There are several ways to train your mind and bring it back to health and full capacity. The above are all a contribution to it. What I would add are affirmations on the one hand and on the other hand deep psychological understanding in general and specific to your gender.

  1. Free and integrate emotion

When we have unprocessed emotions or trauma stored in the cells of our body we don’t feel save to let go and surrender the higher mind and to the higher experience of ecstasy. Our body informs us through old emotions about the possibility of danger as soon as something new approaches and in the presence of danger we will not be ecstatic in the archetypal sense. We will again live out ecstasy by expressing intense anger, madness or fear in response to the interpretation our traumatized cells

  1. Visualise

Your future self and the way you want to be in the world. See yourself in full pleasure and purpose and allow for this to happen. Your mind might be very loud when you try to imagine yourself in ecstasy and that’s the exact point we are trying to make here. As long as your mind holds against the possibility of experiencing yourself in your highest form you will not do so. If you keep brushing this off it will not happen. So using your creative force aka imagination will create the experience ahead of the experience and you will allow ecstasy and joy into your reality.

8. Draw, Paint, Dance, Sing 

Just for the fun of it.

Are you convinced now that you own the right to pleasure?

And are you willing to allow it?

If you find yourself having resistance against the very idea of pleasure, this might be a good sign that you are really in need of it. Let it come. You’ll be fine.

Love,

Jen

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What does gender-equality look like today?

What does gender-equality look like today?

What I often imagine is a world in which we really understand each other. For me equality begins with that: the willingness to understand.

BUT in order for us to understand the other and in order for us to make ourselves be understood we must understand ourselves.

In my opinion every important question starts with one self.

I will try to look at this from the angle of a woman because, well, I am a woman. And a feminist.

Why is this important now?

For a long time we had to seperate the evolution of the genders. The reason for this was that society hasn’t been accommodating to the nature of the women in the same way men were embraced.

Women had to fight for their rights and for it they had to exclude man from their development. Paradox don’t you think?

The evolution of the woman was based on the desire to be equal to men but what we didn’t understand was that we aren’t supposed to behave like them.

We are at a very interesting point in time in which feminism is moving past the exclusion of men from female evolution.

We are approaching men from a centred and more empowered angle through which we don’t have to use attack or aggression any longer.

We have learned to be soft and yet powerful in the way we are being with one another.

Why are we able to do that?

After years of acting like men, trying to fit into the patriarchy white men have created, we finally understand that we as women have to pave a new road.

A road very different from the one we have been travelling.

When we accept that we need a new way, we don’t fight as hard to be understood or acknowledged by men anymore because we put our energy into understanding ourselves and our natural way of leading and relating to the world.

With the acceptance and integration of our actual nature we are finally able to make a sustainable shift in gender equality.

So what does it mean to understand us as WOMAN today?

We are cyclic beings.

We are given proof of that from our menstrual cycle. Our hormones create seasons in a month that have us embody different creative energies.

In order for equality to arise, this fact must be accepted and included in all discussions of gender, relationship and politics.

How does cyclic life look like?

In the simplest way: We bleed, we rise, we ovulate, we let go, we bleed, we rise, we ovulate, we let go. Simpler yet: Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall.

In each of those season we are asked to show up differently in this world.

Let’s go through a cycle and see how the energies shift throughout.

In winter we are asked to separate from the outside and consciously breed the wisdom that is encoded in our body. We are internally focused and more reflective, given space and quiet. A lot is happening beneath the surface and we must have trust that our creative force is working in the unconscious. We are soft and vulnerable and aware that we know absolutely nothing for sure. We see more clearly what’s working and what isn’t in our lives. This is the most difficult for women in leadership positions because they have not much manifested evidence that growth is happening.

Spring is the rise of energy and therefore the rise of the female power. Creativity is coming back to the surface and our life begins to gain back a certain charge that is sometimes hard to hold. It’s still a time of vulnerability and an integration of our intentions we called forth in our inner winter time. We begin to be social again and start engaging more in our relationships. We invest into our jobs again and are more present during meetings and planning. We are able to formulate new ideas and get clearer on what it is that we need.

Summer is a time where those new and rising energies settle, confidence is highest and energy is rather linear, this is a time in which we are most outward because our energy matches the dominant worldly forces. Often women feel very powerful here and are fearing the other side of the coin (winter). We are in our doing, following impulses and are least connected to our inner world but somehow carried by it. This is a time where we are most productive and least reflective. Our ideas are meeting action and we are implementing more and more.

Fall is a time in which we let go of the things that don’t work. The things that came up during the cycle. It also has a certain charge that we are asked to hold in loving light. In general, if we aren’t tending to our inner world and health we might experience symptoms like PMS or other signs of discomfort during this time. Creativity is also very active here but not many new ideas are showing up, it’s rather a time to finish old projects and pending tasks. It’s also a good time to draw and paint and workout a little lighter. Do things without an end goal rather just for the sake of the doing. At work this time calls for cleaning up with co-workers, tasks, digitally and physically. And to prepare for winter and bleeding time. We are aware of a different impact than summer time.

Why is that important?

We’ve been asked to perform on demand (like men do) and when we don’t (because we aren’t meant to), we are called lazy, unpredictable or “moody”.

This “unpredictability” is the number one argument for men to say that we aren’t called to leadership. This argument is based on a false premise which is that in order to be a leader we must behave like men.

Imagine now that our cyclic nature is accepted by us women as the most natural way of living.

Imagine that we know we cannot perform in this linear way and that if we continue trying we are in fact “moody”, depressed and misunderstood.

It becomes a necessity to educate others about this nature of ours if we want to pave the new road and experience peace in the world.

We stop fighting because we know that living according to our cycle is the silent rebellion that is creating the shift we seek.

If we stop expecting men to “just know” how we work, we were able to explain, show and embody the differences that make us women.

What else needs to shift?

Imagine that the inner world of a woman is considered real and sacred just as it has been in ancient tribes.

Imagine that the cycle we go through is integrated into everyday life at work, in families, universities and schools, politics etc..

We could use the creative force of a woman at appropriate times for new ideas and let it incubate at others – we would know that it is still at work.

Women would be healthier, more productive, accepted, freer and more relaxed.

I am aware that even though more women are aware of this we are still challenged to implement it, mostly because our conditioned way is asking us to look outside for proof.

“Is this really true or all in my head?” “Am I making this up and actually just not disciplined enough?” “Where are the studies that I can use to give myself permission to believe it” and again “show men so they can accept it before I do?”

These questions lead us nowhere new and nowhere good.

When a woman understands herself and accepts what she understands, her nature is to give understanding to the world as well including men and their linear nature.

The fight between which way is the right way would end and a new era would begin. True Cooperation between the sexes.

We would go to better place – together! Different but equal with both genders fully integrated in this world.

Combined forces of the genders would pave the road we all are seeking.

What are your thoughts on this?

I would love to hear from you.

 

Love,

Jen

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Why it’s crucial for you to “come off” the pill

Why it's crucial for you to "come off" the pill

Many women aren’t primarily using the pill for contraception but to take care of painful symptoms and emotional imbalances so they can – humbly and simply – live normal lives.

On a personal note:

About 8 years ago I decided to get on the pill because of this stupid burden called PMS. I was suffering to a degree that I saw my relationships and my self-image deteriorating more and more each month. We’re talking emotional outbursts, anger, sadness, sudden loss of a sense of self-worth, fatigue and strong pain.

Once I was on the pill however – PMS magically disappeared. I found relief and security at first and emotional disconnection from…well…everything later. The world lost colour and I lost soul.

Ohh that sounds strong doesn’t it? And yet, this was the way it felt at the time.

Over time my longing to gain back my feelings got stronger than my fear to fall back into old “symptoms”. Eventually, I decided to “come off” the pill. I never looked back ever since.

Why am I telling you this?

I understand why many women would rather take the pill than live a life in pain and insecurity.

I mean, why would you want to bring back your natural cycle when this means bringing back pain, acne, PMS, emotional imbalance, fatigue etc. ? Seriously, why when the symptoms you want to rid yourself off can be “cured” simply and effortlessly by taking the pill?

Simpler? Why make the effort when it can be easy?

I hear you. And yet, I must call on this bullshit because…

…by taking the pill your’re not curing anything. You’re suppressing! It’s an illusion of relief and on a subconscious level you know that.

The things is this: What we want on the surface when in pain is to find relief FROM our body but what we want on a deeper level, always, is to find relief IN our body. Pease, read that again to really get the depth of this.

We want to feel at home in our bodies.

We want to feel, live and engage in our female form, we just – understandibly – don’t want to do that in pain.

So the question isn’t “how do you get rid of the symptom?” but

“how can you trust your cycle again?” and “how can you understand the symptoms as messages that are calling you to action in some way?”

Deeply ingrained in us women is the need to understand ourselves and our cyclical nature. Our nature and therefore our cycle is encoded IN our bodies.

Deeply ingrained as well is the need to restore wholeness within ourselves and use our creative power in this world – confidently and consistently and our creative force and our creative purpose is encoded IN our cycle.

Connecting to your cycle means that you’re connecting to your creative power.

We cannot seize our potential wholeheartedly as long as we’re in pain, I get that but we also can’t seize our potential as long as we’re suppressing the very thing that is our strongest ally and our deepest support in realising all that we came for.

And who’s that you ask?

The most natural expression of a woman – our menstrual cycle.

With access to ALL the creative seasons in your cycle (by taking the pill, you have access to only half of them) you restore your sense of wholeness and ultimately stop looking, unconsciously, for the other half of you (the healthy, happy, creative half) in vain.

The question you need to ask yourself before you continue reading is this:

Do you want more from life or stay put with a grey veil across your face?

If the answer is yes, you need to know this:

The “cure” to your symptoms and your pain, the one that we call “pill” prevents not only contraception it also prevents us from knowing our creative power as women.

It prevent us from experiencing all the blessings and benefits of being in this beautiful female form.

It frees you from taking responsibility to take care of your body on more levels than physical and from finding the cause for the symptoms that have a grip on your life. It prevents you from treating them at the root finding true and lasting relief. To be very clear acne, PMS, food cravings, anxiety, creative blocks, fatigue, low libido, toxic relationships, lack of stamina, painful periods, no period, painful gut issues etc. they all have a source and the source is always found on a deeper level than the level on which the symptom occurred.

With cycle work, you’re already looking deeper.

What do we need to do to find joy and health in our cycle?

Before reaping the benefits of being in a female body we need to let our female system remember what it was created for in the first place. Once it does, we thrive, we create and we love!

Once we understand our cyclic nature we experience life on a more vivid level – we feel healthy, alive and we’re ready to take on the world.

So let’s look at some ways we can actually support our body and spirit in ways that are neither invasive nor too passive.

Remember we’re aiming to find and release the source of your symptoms so you can be happy and engaged in the world.

We want to rebuild a consistent outflow of your creative energy for optimal health, well-being and fun!

The following suggestions might require some changes in your thinking and some require you to take action. Once you get going though they will soon reveal the real benefits (like symptoms disappearing) that will have you want to learn more about yourself.

The various points will touch on different layers of yourself, they all lead to each other and they all lead to (creating) Rome.

  1. NUTRITION

This one’s obvious, isn’t it? I know because it’s so very important to know – from your own experience – which food effects your body in what way.

I won’t go in depth here as my work focuses on the emotional, spiritual and mental components of the imbalance. I’m convinced that by simply tuning into what you really want, you’ll naturally arrive in a nourishing way of eating, your cycle will lead you there.

What I suggest you do to understand the physical aspects of the cycle is visit Lara Briden, Alisa Vitti or use some other great resources on hormonal support. What I can say in general is that more greens, less sugar and regular eating hours have helped me – a lot! I stopped consuming meat, gluten, alcohol, reduced caffeine and ate no later than 7:30pm. I supplement with magnesium byglycinate and I have noticed significant changes in mood, energy level and stress reduction because of it.

  1. LIFESTYLE

8h sleep, a good natural rhythm in your day (meaning seasonal breaks outside, taking deep breaths, regular eating times), enough water, spending time in nature and with the right people. I won’t go into depth here either as this touches on the previous point.

  1. WOMB MASSAGE AND WOMB CLEARING

During your cycle it’s important that you clear your womb space on a regular basis (except during bleeding time) because your womb does absorb alot of the energies of the world, your partners during sex, conflict, unprocessed emotions etc.. You can clear in many ways i.e. through women yoga, breath work focusing on the womb, visualisations, crystals, essential oils, sacred rituals whatever rocks your boat. Get really creative and state your intentions very clearly before you start the clearing process. This can be done in 2 min. or 1 hour do what resonates and leaves you feeling better and clearer than before.

Here’s my favorite: A beautiful way of starting your day is to massage your womb in the morning before you leave your bed. When you wake up lie on your back and start massaging your womb centre softly. Once you get up (and you’re not bleeding) start shaking your belly a little bit and let your whole body join in, this will support your body in the waking up process clearing any sticky energy that was building up naturally during the night.

Maybe you have a health practitioner near you specializing in women’s health or an osteopath that will work with you in the womb area. Get the support you need and enjoy this practice and the intimacy that is building through this.

  1. EMOTIONAL RELEASE

We have emotions stored in us that are unprocessed. This is normal considering that we often didn’t have the maturity and the support to deal with what we had to face when we were young. This storage of emotions runs our behaviour unconsciously, it is information in our cells that is waiting to be released before new patterns can form and serve us in life.

Unprocessed emotions also block the energy from flowing naturally and effortlessly causing all kinds of symptoms (the ones we’re writing this article for). For this to change we have to tend to our emotions rather run from them.

On a level of personal emotions this is very clear. What we as women also have to understand additionally though is the ancestral and collective trauma we are carrying. The way women were treated in the past does still run in our blood and it’s on us to release the deep sadness and the grief this has caused in us. We are free today because of the women who came before us, our work is to honour them by acknowledging the pain we as a collective had to go through and still going through. It’s time to let go of it so we can create a better future for us.

There are, as always, several ways to do that. One would be working with a coach or therapist. Depending on the intensity in which unprocessed, past emotions are interfering with your daily life you can choose who to work with. If you want to touch on your past more than the present, I suggest working with a therapist. If you want to focus on present moment potential, I recommend working with a coach. The benefit of working with a coach is that it often includes the bigger picture. A good coach knows that absolutely nothing is wrong with you and that you are capable of creating the life you want to live, symptom free and in full power and they support you in doing that – this is the significant difference between the two. In my opinion coaching is serving a broader spectrum and yet sometimes therapy is the only option as coaches hold a limit when it comes to working with trauma and deeper childhood wounds. Another option is to combine the two.

Another way of releasing emotion is through guided meditations and inner child work. You don’t always need support (even though I’d recommend it). You can simply see what emotion is present and allow yourself to fully feel it, let it wash over you and stay present to it. This can be messy and yet profoundly beautiful. Give yourself time to do this and let trust build in the process.

There are more options, of course, these are just some suggestions. Once you know you want to focus on emotional release your intuition will guide you to the right source of support (if you allow it).

  1. Personal development

Basically it all touches on this aspect yet I wanted to create a category for it. This includes knowing what you’re unique function is and finding your soul-purpose by getting to know yourself. What makes your heart sing? What are your fears? Your talents? Your values? Getting to know yourself lets you move with more flow and less stagnation. In addition imagining a future in a way you want it to be you’re freeing yourself from the negative of today, it gives you direction and purpose. This is only fruitful and authentic when you’re combining this with emotional work and self-reflection otherwise you will override your feelings and the signs of your body and do the opposite of what you want to achieve. Reflecting on the ways of being that serve you and your relationships and the ways that don’t.

A way to deepen your personal development and the relationship to your cycle is through tracking your menstrual cycle. You can take some notes at the end of each day on categories of mood, temperature, energy levels, feeling states, creativity, social engagement, libido, self-image etc.. After tracking for a while you will see some patterns forming to which you can respond accordingly in advance in the future. You’ll know when you want to make appointments of what kind and when your creativity is highest in the month. Choose your own categories and have fun with this. It will all start making sense in the doing of it.

  1. MEDITATION

This will always be in all my health suggestions because it’s the most powerful way to support your natural system. While sitting down and being quiet you’re telling your body and spirit “I trust you”. You let it come back to its natural ways without interfering with thought and behaviour. This is also the way to let your female system restore itself and allow your creativity to arise naturally. It’s the way to listen to your body and “hear” in what season you’re in. By being silent you receive the guidance on what to do next. It reduces stress in your body which is the cause for many of your symptoms. There are many ways to practice mediation. The one I suggest is mindfulness mediation. Simply set your timer to 15-20min sit and observe your breath. To notice changes you’ll need to do this more than once and yet it will reveal benefits much faster than you expect.

I know this sounds like a lot. It is. So take your time implementing this. If you would like support contact me and we can set up a free no-strings-attached sample session.

With love,

Jen

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Seasons in your menstrual cycle

Seasons in your menstrual cycle - and how to use them

The seasons in your menstrual cycle are changing constantly and many women are becoming increasingly aware of it. This is really good news for many reasons. Most importantly, it is the body-literacy you need in order to not drown in the world. With this kind of self-knowledge chances are much much higher that you stay in contact with yourself plus your impact in the world will be stronger.

It is a boundary that consists of self-love and self-knowledge.

Following is an overview of the seasons in your menstrual cycle, maybe giving you inspiration on what to look for in your own experience (note: it will always  remain an individual experience). Alexandra Pope and Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer are describing this beautifully in their book wild power which I recommend as a beautiful entry point and which serves as inspiration for this blogpost.

Your monthly cycle roughly holds 4 seasons (plus transition phases, never forget transitions!) that express differently in your life, each holding a unique purpose for you. There are general characteristics of each phase that let you determine in which phase you’re in and how to respond to it. To make it easier for you to observe the manifestations of the seasonal energy in your life, let’s see what each phase is about.

It’s also good to know why it is important to acknowledge your seasonal nature in the first place.

Many of us have lost touch with ourselves and the greater whole that we are part of. We are living in a fast world that rarely pays attention to the state it is in. This is a reflection of how we deal with ourselves. Let’s be honest, how often do you ask yourself honestly and openly “What am I feeling right now?”. We act as if we have an endless supply of linear, active energy, as if we actually don’t need to rest and recharge. We exploit nature’s resources not because we are bad people but because we are cut off from our body, feelings and emotions.

To come back to ourselves means to remember with our whole body, with mind and soul that we are nature’s own offspring. Working with the cycle we begin to realise that we, too, go through seasons just like the larger seasons nature demonstrate. To see the effect of each season on our body, mood and creativity we need to pay attention to the subtleties in our own everyday life. For this, we slow down, like way down, and pay attention to the feminine aspects, to feelings and emotions and actually respond the need for rest and restoration. This is possible should we become self-aware and honestly care about our well-being and fulfilment.

So should we?

Seasonal work is a way to respond to nature’s need as well as our own at the same time.

It helps you to navigate through life in a way that is suitable for you as a woman, not linear but cyclic. It helps you to understand yourself and your constitution as a woman and empowers you to express yourself fully despite the constrictions and limits that this world tries to set for you. Symptoms like PMS are a result of the suppression of your cyclic nature and feelings. It’s a parameter that tells you: something needs attention and maybe even something needs to change!

With the practice of recognising and living according to your cyclical nature, you will no longer be imprisoned in a structure of a world that is not build for you – or any of us for that matter – you’ll learn to use your softer, slower nature with confidence.

Yes, it requires determination. This is one way in which we work towards ending the suffering for ourselves and all human beings who have been set up as machines. We’re building a future in which our daughters and sons can feel free and empowered to be like nature – cyclic, powerful and full of wonder.

So no, this work is not for everyone because it asks for discipline and the willingness to break rules that were made by people who were entirely unaware of the feminine world of emotion and feeling. In your heart, you’ll know when you’re ready.

Ok makes sense but why will working with the seasons in your menstrual cycle help?

In order to learn to respond to what we actually need at any given time, seasons are our greatest teacher. “Respond” is a big word in all of it, as we let go of knowing and control, as we stop imposing on us, we become much softer and wholesome human beings.

If we supress or try and stretch out a Season past it’s nature (e.g. working like we work in summer well into winter) we’re working against us, against natures intention for us which is the cause for a lot of discomfort and stress in our body.

Here is the season’s overview in the light of your menstrual cycle (if you are currently not bleeding you may work with the moon cycle as well).

Winter (day 1-7): This phase usually starts right before you bleed. Low energy, your hormones are depleted. It’s a time for rest and restoration. Your body is in need of your support and nurturing. You become more sensitive to outside stimulation and the energy wants to deepen within your being. You’re introspective and more aware of what is going on (unconsciously) in yourself, your surroundings and in the world. It’s not a time to follow demands of the outside but rather give care to yourself. Saying “no” is your ally in this phase. If we allow it, it’s a time of wisdom, magic and creativity.

Spring (day 7-14): Starts around the time leading up to ovulation. Energy is rising as are your hormonal levels. You’re filled with more yang energy supporting you to act upon dreams and intentions. You feel refreshed and ready to plan your month. You are more open and slowly engaging outwardly again. Your body feels stronger and vital and things are coming together for you. This is the phase of starting new things and act on what you uncovered in the winter/wisdom phase. You also find yourself wanting to work more, being focused and driven.

Summer (day 14-21): Usually starts around ovulation. It’s an expressive and social phase. It’s the reaping of the inner work you’ve done. Energy levels are up and you are engaging in outward activities. Community building and being of service to others. Your fertility is high, probably your libido as well. This is the time to experience yourself in relationships. Networking might be easier (especially for introverts – to a degree, of course) and possible for you to hold space for others.

Fall (day 21-28): This is the winding down phase. You are feeling more inward and reflective, you may become more agitated by the demands that are posed upon you. Your nature is seeking more time alone to take care of your body and soul. You may use this time to withdraw from the world and put focus on creative ideas that need nurturing. This is a time especially carved for setting healthy boundaries. PMS is real, the intensity is a reflection of how well you live the energies of the cycles and respond to what you need. If you are teaching yourself that you are willing to listen to your body and act according to what you hear you may find yourself less emotionally overwhelmed and agitated. You are able to realise your dreams and goals with more ease and flow than before. I observed that during this phase the inner critic is loudest as we find ourselves unable or simply unwilling to stem the weight of the world. Hormones are dipping and everything is a little more chaotic. Relaxing into this phase is a challenge as it contains quite the charge, letting yourself be carried by this strong energy is a gamechanger though.

This work is a practice of self-love. Self-love is not always quiet and slow but sometimes active and loud, expressive and engaging.

Knowing yourself will develope the self-trust you need to stand upright in the world at any given time. Instead of following the judgments of the world (“women are unpredictable”) you begin to understand that this is not true. Or at least that it’s not a bad thing. We’re more complex. As soon as we understand ourselves in this light, we transform our insecurities that are fuelled by the world we live in. As we choose to follow our inner guidance and our own nature we are empowered. We become healthier, more fulfilled and more engaged human beings and we begin to set the standards for the ones who follow in our footsteps.

 

If you want to deepen the spiritual work with your cycle, I offer a cycle awareness package for this specific purpose.

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How does transformation happen?

How does transformation happen?

To deeply understand what transformation really is, let me tell you first what it is not.

Transformation is not superficial! Which means it doesn’t happen through positive thinking or affirmations alone. It also doesn’t happen on the side or by the way – It is the way!

You will know that it happens as it happens. You will feel it because you are it.

Transformation is the only way to that real, genuine and lasting change – that kind of change from which there is no return.

So how to go about it then? How do we really transform?

As we begin to understand that we cannot think our way to freedom we begin to tap into deeper realms and layers of ourself. Rather than thinking our way to transformation we experience our way through it. For that we must let go of all that superficial sh** , let go of who we think we are and let in what we actually want for ourselves.

So as we choose experience over thought, we transform. We become embodied, expressed and ultimately happy beings.

Most people exhaust themselves, denying their inner world, emotion and spiritual reality by trying to only think themselves to purpose and meaning. Thought is not wrong or unimportant – it is merely not enough.

Transformation therefore happens by experiencing all aspects of the whole person that you are: Mind, Body, Spirit and much more.

Through this holistic approach, uniquely fit only once for each person, we are discovering ourself in new and creative ways. Ways that are more in tune with the rythm of our nature and our actual purpose.

We identify with our depth as individuals of meaning and let go of the periphery of appearance. In the willingness to let go and in the seeking of our depth we have not only started the transformation but we’re right in the middle of it.

How do we seek?

Instead of thinking up ways to fix and twist and turn you around, giving you even more tasks to do, you’re approaching your deepest and most natural Self.  Seeking that part in you, no one can bullshit – not even you!

This Self is your Well, the Source from which all dreams, values, meaning, courage, purpose, beauty, health and unique potential springs from. The experience of the Source is different and unique for every single one of us.

How do we get to our own unique Well?

Through the wilderness and wisdom of your wonderful body.

Your body holds a natural sense of what’s right for you at any given moment – a natural sense also known as intuition and body wisdom.

If you learn to listen deeply to your body and its messages, you’ll find that it always communicates your next best step to you. The more you learn to speak your body’s unique language and become increasingly willing to respond instead of ignore, the more flow, beauty and fulfilment you’ll experience in your everyday life.

In your willingeness to listen can real transformation happen.

Once you speak your body’s language fluently (which will be a daily practice) you are set to take on any challenge and circumstance with confidence and grace. This will be the outcome of the transformation you have sought and it will be worth it. Trust me.

So what’s left to do to transform? Take that language class today. How? Simply tune in and ask your intuition.

Or kick it off with a free sample session today. Coaching is that language class.